The art of war
I am learning. Over the past week, I am learning that it takes work to make a miracle happen. It's not a passive thing. There is a war that I'm fighting.
I am fighting a war on many fronts and attacking the invaders through different means. These tactics include, but are not limited to:
1. With the help of some cancer recovery mp3s downloaded to my iPod, I am visualizing my immune system attacking the cancer cells. The leader of this army is my husband, a former Army lieutenant. When he sets his focus on something, he is immovable and determined. He gets it done. So, in my head, he is leading the troops. The killer T-cells are one of the squadrons, and they are the tanks. Jason leads in one of the tanks and stays in communication with the rest of the platoon. He also mobilizes the neutrophils (the infantry), the B-cells (the fighter jets with missiles), the hungry macrophages, and the helper T-cells. I'm sure there are other immune system processes that Jason is managing, but I'm not sure what they are. He does a lot.
2. I also visualize the tumors shrinking. I close my eyes and picture the bump on my chest softening and disappearing. I see it getting smaller and smaller until it is gone. I see the tumor on my liver slowly being attacked by Jason's army and melting away. I know there are other tumors in my lungs and bones, and I visualize them shrinking and shrinking until *POP* they are gone, their remains swept up by the healthy cells. I remind myself that most of my body is made up of healthy cells, and they are stronger and more determined than the cancer cells. They will win.
3. I'm reading Bernie Siegel's, "Love, Medicine, and Miracles." It's a great book and is helping me focus on why I am an exceptional patient. I want to live to be 100! (or at least just 80). Love is a powerful weapon - something which sounds paradoxical. But it's true.
4. I am enlisting the help of healers. Besides my visit to the healing touch therapist, I am going to see a psychotherapist who helps many cancer patients. I am also going to a qigong master/energy healer next week. There are many people I know who practice Reiki, so they are sending healing energy to me. I take it all in, all the brilliant white healing light.
5. I am praying to the shrine of St. John Neumann. It turns out that, right down the street from our new house, is a place of great holiness and power, where many people go to ask for miracles. How amazing that it is so close. That's a miracle! My friend Margaret is arranging a Novena prayer, so I will post instructions for all Catholics after I get the details.
6. I cut out all dairy. I am eating fresh organic vegetables and good proteins (chicken, fish, tofu, and eggs). Everything going into my body is nutritious and makes me stronger.
7. Of course, I am taking my chemo. I have a few more days of Xeloda, and then I'm off for a week. That's the cycle: two weeks on, one week off. And I feel really good! The pain has lessened and my energy level is good.
8. I am learning more about my tumor and my cancer. Triple negative breast cancer is notoriously hard to treat, but there has been more research in the past couple of years. I am going to ask Dr. Glick to have my tumor re-evaluated to test for new markers. Information is power. I need more information, and I need to understand everything.
9. I am living my life, working on building LympheDIVAs, and enjoying the beauty of every moment and noticing all the miracles that happen every single day. Just the other day, I was walking Nikita and two cars in a row asked me for directions. I love giving people directions; it's one of my favorite things to do. It's so easy, and it helps people who are lost find their way. So it felt miraculous that I got to do it two times! And just now, my computer crashed as I was typing up this blog. I thought I'd lost everything. But when I logged back on and clicked, "Recover post," it was almost all there. There you go, another miracle.
10. My wonderful business partner Kristin made me a necklace with milagros, which means 'miracles' in Spanish. In Mexico, milagros are used to petition saints for help and protection. She chose each milagro to represent a part of my body in need of miracle - my lungs, ribs, breast, and a hand that happens to rest directly over my liver. It is the most beautiful gift.
11. I believe in me. I love myself. I love my body. While initially feeling betrayed by my body, I know realize that harnessing its power will help me grow stronger and fight this war.
All these things, in addition to the thoughts and prayers and LOVE of so many people all over the world, these are my weapons. There is an art to this war, and every aspect is necessary. And the troops will grow, and new battles will need to be fought, and new strategies will be adopted. I am open to it all. I am open to a universe of possibilities.
With love and peace,
Rachel
I am fighting a war on many fronts and attacking the invaders through different means. These tactics include, but are not limited to:
1. With the help of some cancer recovery mp3s downloaded to my iPod, I am visualizing my immune system attacking the cancer cells. The leader of this army is my husband, a former Army lieutenant. When he sets his focus on something, he is immovable and determined. He gets it done. So, in my head, he is leading the troops. The killer T-cells are one of the squadrons, and they are the tanks. Jason leads in one of the tanks and stays in communication with the rest of the platoon. He also mobilizes the neutrophils (the infantry), the B-cells (the fighter jets with missiles), the hungry macrophages, and the helper T-cells. I'm sure there are other immune system processes that Jason is managing, but I'm not sure what they are. He does a lot.
2. I also visualize the tumors shrinking. I close my eyes and picture the bump on my chest softening and disappearing. I see it getting smaller and smaller until it is gone. I see the tumor on my liver slowly being attacked by Jason's army and melting away. I know there are other tumors in my lungs and bones, and I visualize them shrinking and shrinking until *POP* they are gone, their remains swept up by the healthy cells. I remind myself that most of my body is made up of healthy cells, and they are stronger and more determined than the cancer cells. They will win.
3. I'm reading Bernie Siegel's, "Love, Medicine, and Miracles." It's a great book and is helping me focus on why I am an exceptional patient. I want to live to be 100! (or at least just 80). Love is a powerful weapon - something which sounds paradoxical. But it's true.
4. I am enlisting the help of healers. Besides my visit to the healing touch therapist, I am going to see a psychotherapist who helps many cancer patients. I am also going to a qigong master/energy healer next week. There are many people I know who practice Reiki, so they are sending healing energy to me. I take it all in, all the brilliant white healing light.
5. I am praying to the shrine of St. John Neumann. It turns out that, right down the street from our new house, is a place of great holiness and power, where many people go to ask for miracles. How amazing that it is so close. That's a miracle! My friend Margaret is arranging a Novena prayer, so I will post instructions for all Catholics after I get the details.
6. I cut out all dairy. I am eating fresh organic vegetables and good proteins (chicken, fish, tofu, and eggs). Everything going into my body is nutritious and makes me stronger.
7. Of course, I am taking my chemo. I have a few more days of Xeloda, and then I'm off for a week. That's the cycle: two weeks on, one week off. And I feel really good! The pain has lessened and my energy level is good.
8. I am learning more about my tumor and my cancer. Triple negative breast cancer is notoriously hard to treat, but there has been more research in the past couple of years. I am going to ask Dr. Glick to have my tumor re-evaluated to test for new markers. Information is power. I need more information, and I need to understand everything.
9. I am living my life, working on building LympheDIVAs, and enjoying the beauty of every moment and noticing all the miracles that happen every single day. Just the other day, I was walking Nikita and two cars in a row asked me for directions. I love giving people directions; it's one of my favorite things to do. It's so easy, and it helps people who are lost find their way. So it felt miraculous that I got to do it two times! And just now, my computer crashed as I was typing up this blog. I thought I'd lost everything. But when I logged back on and clicked, "Recover post," it was almost all there. There you go, another miracle.
10. My wonderful business partner Kristin made me a necklace with milagros, which means 'miracles' in Spanish. In Mexico, milagros are used to petition saints for help and protection. She chose each milagro to represent a part of my body in need of miracle - my lungs, ribs, breast, and a hand that happens to rest directly over my liver. It is the most beautiful gift.
11. I believe in me. I love myself. I love my body. While initially feeling betrayed by my body, I know realize that harnessing its power will help me grow stronger and fight this war.
All these things, in addition to the thoughts and prayers and LOVE of so many people all over the world, these are my weapons. There is an art to this war, and every aspect is necessary. And the troops will grow, and new battles will need to be fought, and new strategies will be adopted. I am open to it all. I am open to a universe of possibilities.
With love and peace,
Rachel
posted by Rachel Troxell at 10:18 AM
7 Comments:
Honored to be the first to respond to your latest blog entry. Thank you for detailing the "battle plan" for all of us to see. You seem to be well prepared for fighting the good fight. May your strength be increased and may you be granted the miracle that you and your support team are working so hard to achieve.
Sending love and healing thoughts.
Rachel,
know that your entire support system is with you at the front lines. We will remain a united front fighting the good fight every single step of the way. Stay strong. You can do this.
Rachel, I am so, so sorry about your latest news. But your 11 point tactical plan sounds fantastic. Although I only know of you through this blog, you strike me as someone full of tremendous life and energy, surrounded by love and strength. I can well believe you will win this.
I'm an Australian recently diagnosed with breast cancer; I started AC a few weeks ago. Your archived blog entries gave me such strength at a critical time (plus lots of useful info and much-needed laughs.) I thank you for that from the bottom of my heart.
At this very difficult time for you, Rachel, I hold you in my thoughts. That miracle is hopefully on its way to you and your family already.
Rachel,
Just wanted to let you know that your mom's friends here at Central are thinking of you and your family in your time of need. Keep up the fighting because you are a strong women and your going to beat this again.
Joanne and friends from Central
Dearest Rachel,
I am a friend of your mother's. We work together on a project called Transcending Trauma. Approrpiate don't you think? This is the first time that I am reading a blog. I never understood what it was before. But now I do. In your case it is a vehicle for transcendence.
I must thank you for your sharing so much about yourself, your challenge and your journey. It is almost like a voice - as if you were talking to me.
I have been a "talk" therapist for 30 years - and yet - words are often insufficient to convey the sentiments of one's heart. But I want to try a few words which I will do in the next comment.
So what words work at a time like this. As your friends and family surround you in a circle of love, I also wish to share love which has grown in my relationship with your mother. So many faiths and cultural groups have symbols for a miracle. Judaism speaks of "divine intervention" and the personal presence of G-d. May you be blessed with G-d's presence and His divine intervention through His emissaries in the medical profession.
You are strong and courageous. Clearly you have always appreciated the blessing of life. May your will be strong and your army triumphant. You have already helped so many others by your example and your openness. Judaism says that if you save one life it is as if you have saved the world -and this you have done by inspiring others to fight for life and not succumb.
Thank you Rachel - you are in my prayers.
Rachel,
I also work with your Mom on the Transcending Trauma Project and have, I hope, also activated a small army of people to help you. I am part of a chain of people who say psalms in a cycle so that every psalm is said every day for people who are fighting illness. I gave them your Hebrew name and so I want you to know that many people (I don't even know who and how many) are saying prayers every day for your recovery so between our army and yours and with G-d's help you will live until 120. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me and others - you are an inspiration to all of us.
Nancy
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