Hair today...
Shaving my hair off in expectation of the fallout was smart, but it still didn't protect me from the tragedy of gradually losing it all. You see, I was under the impression that I would wake up one morning and all my hair would be gone, either in my sleeping hat or on my pillow or (and oh how I wished) mysteriously vanished.
But in reality, losing one's hair is a process. It does not all happen at once. First, starting about a week ago, there were some tingling sensations, on and off, and my head periodically felt like it was on fire. Over the week, those sensations became stronger, the heat more intense. Coupled with the steroids, it felt like flames were shooting off my head. In the past few days, the heat has died down a bit, I suppose as the hair follicles finally let go. It's not so much that it hurts, it's just a bizarre feeling. And watching hundreds and thousands of short needles of hair fall off my head is quite a sobering experience. I know it will all be back again (and I look forward to seeing it!), but as much as I'd prepared to have it go, I'm pretty sure that there is nothing in the world that can fully prepare you for it.
Is it plain vanity? I've always taken a certain amount of pride in my hair, so vanity is part of it. I think there's an aspect of it about losing control that's particularly scary. Or maybe it's the confirmation that these drugs are actually destroying things in my body, and this is the most grotesque proof of it. I'm not really sure, but it's been hard. I have about 1/3 of my hair left now. It's probably the sickliest I'll ever look, being half-bald with splotchy areas. Once it's all gone, I'll be much happier; I'll be able to wear the wig and scarves much more easily and comfortably, without the nasty prickly/tingly feeling that is still lingering.
Hair today, gone tomorrow... but back in a few months. I'm at peace with that, finally.
But in reality, losing one's hair is a process. It does not all happen at once. First, starting about a week ago, there were some tingling sensations, on and off, and my head periodically felt like it was on fire. Over the week, those sensations became stronger, the heat more intense. Coupled with the steroids, it felt like flames were shooting off my head. In the past few days, the heat has died down a bit, I suppose as the hair follicles finally let go. It's not so much that it hurts, it's just a bizarre feeling. And watching hundreds and thousands of short needles of hair fall off my head is quite a sobering experience. I know it will all be back again (and I look forward to seeing it!), but as much as I'd prepared to have it go, I'm pretty sure that there is nothing in the world that can fully prepare you for it.
Is it plain vanity? I've always taken a certain amount of pride in my hair, so vanity is part of it. I think there's an aspect of it about losing control that's particularly scary. Or maybe it's the confirmation that these drugs are actually destroying things in my body, and this is the most grotesque proof of it. I'm not really sure, but it's been hard. I have about 1/3 of my hair left now. It's probably the sickliest I'll ever look, being half-bald with splotchy areas. Once it's all gone, I'll be much happier; I'll be able to wear the wig and scarves much more easily and comfortably, without the nasty prickly/tingly feeling that is still lingering.
Hair today, gone tomorrow... but back in a few months. I'm at peace with that, finally.
posted by Rachel Troxell at 12:32 PM
2 Comments:
Hey Rachel! I finally made it to your blog, and it's fantastic!! I love your sense of humor with everything, as well as your personal and direct account of your experiences. Thank you - I'll be here!!
Yo Rachel..
Your blog is mind-bloggling. You're doing in reality what my favorite quotation says: Do the best you can, with what you have, where you are." (Teddy Roosevelt). Good luck baby!
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