Clarification of the last post
I'm feeling much better today. And I must apologize; Margaret pointed out that there are not just two alternatives after the CT results. It's not just win or lose. Always with cancer, there are shades of grey. So when I said I would curl up in bed if the CT showed tumor growth, what I meant was that I would curl up in bed in order to gather strength to face the next fight. I didn't mean I would give up. I'm not giving up. Dr. Glick, right now as I type this entry, is in Chicago at the ASCO meeting, looking for new treatments for me. I know he is. Maybe he's looking into things for other patients too, but I'd like to think I'm at the forefront of his mind! And of course, I am optimistic at the CT scan, and hope to 'stay the course' for a long time.
posted by Rachel Troxell at 6:30 PM
4 Comments:
It's Leigh and it's just after 9pm here in PA and I'm thinking about you and the positive results of your CT scan next week...I know there are others out there thinking about you too. Find one thing each day this weekend that you truly love to do and let yourself get so involved that the pit in your stomach goes away -- if only for a minute. Here's some engergy for you ~~~~~~~~~~~ can you feel it??
No advice offered, Rachel. No advice needed. You're like a fighter who keeps preparing to land the next punch; a lot of fancy footwork, keeping the opponent off guard. Never down for the count!
I know you'll keep on fighting and we'll keep on sending you healing vibes.
It's okay to have a case of nerves... to have doubts. You just don't want to let them overwhelm you for any length of time. But to not admit to them every now and then is to deny your humanity. I have (thankfully) never had to deal with anything nearly so frightening as you have, and yet I certainly have moments of panic over situations. When I don't permit that panic to happen, it bubbles up in less pleasant ways - disturbed sleep, indigestion, generalized agitation, eczema.
It's part of why I learned to knit and now, sew. I can work through feelings of stress and anxiety directly, but the working of my hands doesn't allow me to get lost in it. As a result, I have a chunk of my wardrobe that I can identify by freak-out sessions, and it's pretty funny. "Oh yeah, I made that skirt when I was freaking out about grandma's angioplasty procedure." "That linen dress I made when I was too wound up to sleep because I had just spent 3 days doing the impossible for such-and-such deadline." "The black lace shawl was made when I was tracking my daughter's 104.5 + fever overnight."
There's more than one way to skin a cat, and there's more than one way to vent panic. One time--I can't even remember why, but it was something along the lines of the computer eating my thesis paper--I suddenly had cause to flip out, but I was totally pressed for time. I said to myself, "I don't have time for a panic attack!"... and then... "Well I have about 5 minutes." So I set a timer. When the timer went off seemingly seconds later, I stared at it in irritated disbelief. And then I burst out laughing, because fer cryin' out loud, what sort of lunatic schedules a panic attack? That sequence of events that devolved into giggles... well thinking back on it has pulled me out of panic mode a few more times. And despite it's idiocy - it's not a bad policy: allow yourself to indulge the feelings but put a limit on it. And whatever it takes for you to get to that "Que sera, sera," moment, just do it, and don't beat yourself up too hard for it.
Hi Rachel, Sometimes I think the best people in the world are on this blog-
You are so generous in sharing your thoughts, fears and dreams- You have a wonderful team rooting for you- sending love,Eleanor
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