The losing speech

Even though I said I was preparing two blog entries, like a presidential speechwriter prepares a speech for winning and losing, this is really not the one that I was spending the most time thinking about.

When Carrie and Dr. Glick walked into the room, I knew it wasn't good. No smiles, a lot of eqivocating. Finally, Dr. Glick explained that the scans were different (the first was a PET/CT without contrast, this was a CT with contrast), so the comparisons were difficult to make. But overall, the scans showed that there were no significant changes. There may have been one tumor in the liver that shrunk a little, but the others stayed the same. The tumors in the rest of of the places stayed the same. So that's the good news. No major progression. But the bad news is that the tumor markers almost doubled, and my liver is enlarged. With all that information, Dr. Glick decided that it's time to change treatment. Next up, Abraxane. Good news: Abraxane is a new kick-ass drug that has had a lot of success in triple-negative cancers. Bad news: my hair will all fall out.

All this news was hard. I was expecting to hear something much better. I have to admit I'm depressed, angry, a bit nauseous, and scared. But also hopeful that this one will work better. I know sometimes it takes some time to figure out the right "cocktail."

I wanted so much to be able to give everyone really good news today. I wanted so much to write, cheerfully, how the tumors were shrinking and how I could continue to stay the course. I wanted so much to write about how Jason and I could now plan our trip to Alaska. But I can't. I hope you're not disappointed in me. I know I did what I could. The drug just wasn't the right one. What I'm upset about most is that I will look like Cancer Patient. Right now, I feel like I can masquerade as a normal person. But with no hair and no eyelashes and no eyebrows, that's pretty impossible to do. As long as it kills the cancer, though, it's worth it.

And so we keep going. Abraxane is an infusion every week for three weeks, then one week off. In two months, I'll have another CT to see where things are; hopefully, it will show that the tumors are shrinking, and I will stay on this indefinitely. That's the plan right now. But as we know, plans always change. I'm just trying to keep up.