Moving on
There have been so many wonderful responses to my entry yesterday, and I just want to talk briefly about disappointment. Yes, I am disappointed that Xeloda didn't work. I am not exactly disappointed in myself, and that's not exactly what I meant. But I just always want to give good news, and I hate to not be able to do that. I hate to make other people disappointed. I know that you're not disappointed in me, but I know that you are disappointed. And I have to admit that that makes me sad.
However, I am getting over it. To be honest, it was hard to believe that those little Xeloda pills that look so benign, like a vitamin tablet or something, were actually going to be capable of shrinking the numerous large tumors that are throughout my body. I did have a hard time swallowing that, pardon the pun. Maybe losing one's hair is necessary sacrifice for a chemotherapy agent to work. It's worked before on me. Abraxane (which I started yesterday) is similar to Taxol, and I've done that one before. But Abraxane is supposed to be better and slightly less toxic. I know what to expect, and it wasn't that terrible. I'm definitely upset about losing my beautiful curly hair, but I'm making arrangements. Cancer can take away many things, but I won't let it take away my dignity. I want to look good, not like a cancer patient. There are ways to avoid that. Beautiful scarves, wigs, fake eyebrows. I'm going to deal with this, and I have a good feeling about Abraxane, especially in conjunction with Avastin. I have a better feeling about it than with Xeloda. And ultimately, even though my liver is enlarged, I don't feel like we wasted time on Xeloda.
So I just wanted to assure you that I know that you are not disappointed in me. Being able to share my feelings with you all is so cathartic and healing, and receiving your responses touches me deeply. I wish I could give everyone hugs. You boost me up, and you make me feel so loved.
However, I am getting over it. To be honest, it was hard to believe that those little Xeloda pills that look so benign, like a vitamin tablet or something, were actually going to be capable of shrinking the numerous large tumors that are throughout my body. I did have a hard time swallowing that, pardon the pun. Maybe losing one's hair is necessary sacrifice for a chemotherapy agent to work. It's worked before on me. Abraxane (which I started yesterday) is similar to Taxol, and I've done that one before. But Abraxane is supposed to be better and slightly less toxic. I know what to expect, and it wasn't that terrible. I'm definitely upset about losing my beautiful curly hair, but I'm making arrangements. Cancer can take away many things, but I won't let it take away my dignity. I want to look good, not like a cancer patient. There are ways to avoid that. Beautiful scarves, wigs, fake eyebrows. I'm going to deal with this, and I have a good feeling about Abraxane, especially in conjunction with Avastin. I have a better feeling about it than with Xeloda. And ultimately, even though my liver is enlarged, I don't feel like we wasted time on Xeloda.
So I just wanted to assure you that I know that you are not disappointed in me. Being able to share my feelings with you all is so cathartic and healing, and receiving your responses touches me deeply. I wish I could give everyone hugs. You boost me up, and you make me feel so loved.
posted by Rachel Troxell at 8:07 AM
6 Comments:
good morning rachel,
being a mom of a breast cancer survivor...i think of your mom.... and how proud she must be of you. my very positive thoughts are with you and your family. anne hurst
Rachel being the older sister 44 of a breast cancer survivor, one thing I know for sure, never give up hope! :)
My sister Kim was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer when she was 39. It has been two years now, and Kim is doing great. Kim taught us all how to persevere and never give up the fight. Stay positive, and hang in there girl, you can do this.
Massive hugs, and bushels of love are coming your way. You're an inspiration to everyone who is fighting the fight, and living with the disease.
Take care Rachel
Michele Guizzetti
rachel - as always, you're an inspiration to us all. hang in there and keep up that positive attitude--and on those days when you're tired and sick of it all, lean on us, your global fan club, to help you through it. we're all here for you--and we're not giving up. i can't wait to see veronica again or the next iteration of veronica--go have that hair you always wanted. . .
love ya, shmoo
Rachel,
You are one amazing person. In the midst of your struggle, you think of others. In the midst of your pain, you feel bad you might be disappointing others.
Disappointment? You are an inspiration to all of us. Keep up the fight. I will continue to pray for you every day. John Willis
I'm redoubling my efforts on your behalf. More prayers and more positive thinking. You are a beautiful person with or without hair. We're all here for you and we're not giving up. You go girl!
Hi Rachel,
Your toughness and your ability to maintain your sense of humor are truly inspiring. And let's face it: you're hot with or without hair. Don't let it get you down!
--Eric L.
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