Believing without seeing
This has been a chaotic week. We moved on Monday, I had my second Avastin treatment on Tuesday, started Xeloda on Wednesday, and during the entire week have been working to get the LympheDIVAs office operating and the house in order. Actually, my parents, Mary, Jason, and Kristin have been doing the bulk of all that work. I find that I can only work in small spurts and need to take breaks.
I do get overwhelmed by the enormity of all this, by the uncertainty. I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of support, too. Every time I receive something – a note, a gift, a recognition of prayer, I cry. I find it hard to conceive that so many people are praying for me, and I feel compelled to bring back some successful results. I’ve always wanted to please people, and this time it’s no different. So when I have a little more pain, or when I’m afraid or doubtful, it’s hard for me to admit it, to myself or to you.
This past week, the pain in my chest increased a little, while the pain in my abdomen completely disappeared. So what does all this mean? I don’t know. It could be pain from cancer, or it could be pain from the drugs killing the cancer. I want to believe the drugs are working the prayers are working, the focus on the body-mind connection is working. I think it is. But sometimes I admit, I don’t know.
When I went to mass with Margaret a couple of weeks ago, the priest gave a homily about Doubting Thomas. But instead of castigating him for his disbelief, he reminded everyone that he’s human, and that doubt is human, and that believing without seeing is very difficult. It’s hard for all of us. I’m working on it, though.
I also want to say thank you to everyone who has given me something. I have not had time to write thank-you notes, but I just want everyone to know how much I appreciate all that you are doing. I will get around to writing those notes, eventually! Just know (believe without seeing!) that these gifts are all extremely meaningful to me, and I recognize and feel the love that inspired them.
With love to everyone,
Rachel
I do get overwhelmed by the enormity of all this, by the uncertainty. I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of support, too. Every time I receive something – a note, a gift, a recognition of prayer, I cry. I find it hard to conceive that so many people are praying for me, and I feel compelled to bring back some successful results. I’ve always wanted to please people, and this time it’s no different. So when I have a little more pain, or when I’m afraid or doubtful, it’s hard for me to admit it, to myself or to you.
This past week, the pain in my chest increased a little, while the pain in my abdomen completely disappeared. So what does all this mean? I don’t know. It could be pain from cancer, or it could be pain from the drugs killing the cancer. I want to believe the drugs are working the prayers are working, the focus on the body-mind connection is working. I think it is. But sometimes I admit, I don’t know.
When I went to mass with Margaret a couple of weeks ago, the priest gave a homily about Doubting Thomas. But instead of castigating him for his disbelief, he reminded everyone that he’s human, and that doubt is human, and that believing without seeing is very difficult. It’s hard for all of us. I’m working on it, though.
I also want to say thank you to everyone who has given me something. I have not had time to write thank-you notes, but I just want everyone to know how much I appreciate all that you are doing. I will get around to writing those notes, eventually! Just know (believe without seeing!) that these gifts are all extremely meaningful to me, and I recognize and feel the love that inspired them.
With love to everyone,
Rachel
posted by Rachel Troxell at 7:11 AM
3 Comments:
Rachel, I have thought of you daily and have said as many prayers for you when I heard of the relapse. If hopeful wishes and thoughts are worth anything from SoutheEast Asia you are on the road to recovery. Love, Cecelia
Rachel, I haven't mentioned this to you, but it sounds as though it helps for you to know, so I want you to know I've been reciting a psalm a day (in English and in Hebrew) for the past week, and will continue to do so until those evil cells give up - they simply can't win, that's what psalms are all about. Love you, Connie G.
Rachel, 1. Don't you DARE waste even a moment writing me a thank you unless writing thank yous gives you some sort of weird thrill (in which case, have at it). ;-) Seriously. You have better things to do. And, 2. I pray for you every night and occasionally I say Psalm 20 for you. It is one of several psalms that are used in Jewish tradition for someone in your situation. I find it a particularly powerful psalm - you might want to take a look at it. Be well, Deanna
Post a Comment
<< Home