My dearest friends
This is just the beginning of the end, but I wanted to make sure everyone knows. I went into hospice care on Friday. Friends and famliy have been visiting, but it is exhausting. My invitation to visit is extended, so please stop by anytime. Visits are easier than phone calls. I hope to see you soon. If you live far, please call!
I love you all! will write more later, I promise.
I love you all! will write more later, I promise.
posted by Rachel Troxell at 9:38 PM
66 Comments:
We are thinking of you and Jason and are greatful for the time that you spent with us. We wish you peace and comfort.
Becky and Jon
Oh Rachel. You have made a brave decision. You’ve decided how you want to handle your cancer and your life. From the beginning you’ve been in charge of things with the cancer...you’ve decided how to respond each step of the way, and you have responded in the ways that felt best to you and gave you the most strength. That includes this decision to go into the hospice. You are so strong. You are inspiring to me and to so many others. I love you.
Maren
Hi Rachel,
you're strength has been nothing short of amazying through this tragedy, absolutely amazying. I think I can speak for all of us when I say we want nothing for you other than ultimate peace and comfort. I will call you mom and plan a visit. After all this time, I really would like to do that. Love to you and your family.
Barb
Dearest Rachel, When I didn't see a blog posting for several days I contacted Jason's mom who told me the last chemo was not working as expected. I have thought of almost nothing but you and your family since. You have handled all of this with such grace. That is the word that comes to mind when I think of you. You have been an inspriation to me and I am sure everyone you know. I wish you nothing but peace at this time. Love, Cecelia
Rachel - Kevin shared Jason's email with me and I am so saddened to hear the path this monster has taken. You have, and continue to be, an inspiration to everyone and I am honoured to have gotten to know you these past few years. Godspeed.
Rachel - the kids and I are thinking of you. Peace and comfort seems to be the theme -
Take peace in the fact that you have fought to the fullest and shared your experience and knowledge to the benefit of others.
Comfort in the fact that your husband and family are there with you.
All our best.
Brian, Emily & Brian Jr.
Rachel,
Ever since I interviewed you and Kristin for the article I wrote on LympheDivas, you have been on my mind and in my heart. You have done a wonderful thing by creating LympheDivas and you have exhibited a graceful strength throughout your journey. You have impacted many lives, Rachel!! You, Jason and your family are in my thoughts.
- Julie K.
Rachel, tears now, comments later.
Mina
Rachel,
It's amazing how many people you have touched with this blog and what an inspiration you are for all of us. We are thinking of you.
Love, Sandi and Steve
Dear amazing, lovely Rachel...
I've never met you in person, but through these many months, I've come to know you, and love you so much as you have revealed your courage, your humor, your creativity...your beautiful self... through your words.
As you are going through this battle with cancer, you are personifying the grace, love and peace that God alone can give. It is so obvious that your strength for today comes from Him... and you are an inspiration for all of us. May each coming day be one of happy moments and peace for you, surrounded by your nearest and most precious family and friends.
Please know that there are untold numbers of us who are praying for you from a physical distance, but who are, nonetheless, so very close in our love for you.
May God bless you every moment!
Love,
Kitty
Dearest Rachel: I vividly remember your account of visiting a friend whose journey was coming to an end. She asked you if you were in the same place and you said no. You still had hope and knew there were still more treatments to try.
Your friend's body was no longer able to fight and now you have come to that point. I am grateful to have lived for seventy full years; your life is still in its flowering. Those of us who have grown to know and love you through your blog (and even before in my case), grieve for what you will not have the time to be, to achieve.
We have all travelled the road with you, exalting in in your treatment successes, your business successes, and your joyous family trips. Do not fear that you will disappear from our lives once you are no longer physically present.
You have made such an imprint on our lives that you are a part of all of us forever. Your valiant struggles have taught us to value the preciousness of life; to shrug off the unimportant annoyances.
I personally promise to keep you inside of me; to remember the lessons you taught, to offer hope and support to others, to maintain contact with your family.
Wishing that you will be enveloped by loving support and that your last days will be without pain. May you be alert enough to make the most of your time.
When you need to, you can leave this place, but you will never leave us.
With all my love,
Mina
You don't know me Rachel and I have never met you but I feel like I know you. I started reading your blog several months ago after my best friend Robin passed away from breast cancer in Sept. She was only 41 years old and I miss her everyday. I found your blog through Lesa's blog, another friend of mine going through breast cancer and I have you saved in my favorites. I read your blog daily and I just knew something was wrong when you hadn't posted this past week. I admire you so much!! I ask myself why does cancer do this? It just stinks. I am praying for your family and for you to be strong during all this. You are one remarkable woman Rachel and I am glad I got to know you through your blog. I wish you peace and comfort at this point. Sherri in NC
I was so worried about you when you went so long between postings. You are such a remarkable person. It has been my privilege to share your journey. You are unforgettable. Such grace, such self-awareness, such determination, such a positive outlook, such a beautiful writing style. You have influenced my life and the lives of many others in ways you couldn't possibly know. We will all carry a piece of you inside and, when faced with a difficult decision ask, "What would Rachel do?" You're my hero. Peace and love as you journey on.
Rona
Hi Rachel,
Leigh Hurst gave me an update and told me about your blog. It's wonderful that you have found this way to stay connected to people and keep everyone informed as you go through this process.I'm glad that I got to know you a bit while doing that story and you should know that your work has really touched so many people. Be well. I'm thinking of you.
Best,
Marci Alboher
Dear Rachel,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, your fears and your hopes with us-
I think of you as such a lovely young woman who has given so much, has been so brave, articulate, charming and , I agree , full of grace.
I am so sad for you and your family and I send my love to you all- Eleanor
Rachel,
I am sorry we are not closer and have not been able to be there for you in a more physical way. Spiritually, you have been and are in our thoughts. We have included you in our prayers of healing.
All our love,
Russell, Karen, Jacob, and Anna
Rachel-
You taught me how to live in the city. How to really ride a bike. How to rock climb. How to be a vegetarian. How to be a dog lover. What yoga is. And we shared a love of one big old building where we met.
You were my teacher and continue to be as you journey on. Thank you for sharing so much with me, including how to live.
Thank you for being my teacher,
Love,
Jen, Tom, and Grace, and Luke
Rachel,
Few people can express themselves like you can. Your words are alive and deeply resonant. Thanks for sharing your fight with such openness. I hope it has been therapeutic to write, but to do so with such grace and dignity is exceptional. It speaks volumes about your character. Thanks for making our friend Jason the luckiet guy in the world with your companionship.
Matt Z. and family
Dearest Rachel,
Cancer is such a frustratingly capricious disease...
Yet, you've shown us all with clarity, humor, and honesty what truly living with cancer can be.
I thank you for sharing so openly...this is truly your legacy. God's love and peace be with you as you continue your journey home.
~Evie (TWCP group member)
Rachel,
Sitting with you on the bed, holding your hand and crying together will be a time I hold dear in my heart forever. I will march on armed with your grace and vow to "fight the good fight" (as you said) for you and the so many other women who leave this world before their work is done. You are a spark that ignites the passion in people whose work strives to make a difference with this disease -- a burst of flavor just like the macaroon was to your mouth. I will miss you so much. Love, Leigh
Dear Rachel,
The kindness your family showed us when we were newlywed and far from home has never been forgotten. And it is evident in your writing that you are as kind and good as the rest of your family. I am so saddened by this turn of events. The nature of our existence is so mysterious. Please know that I have said many prayers for you, and I will continue to do so, and I will do tsedakah in your name. May G-d grant you peace, and soothe your parents' hearts.
Deanna, Steve and family
Rachel - We also just wanted to let you know that we are thinking of you and Jason. We send our love - Beth and Doug (more of the Chicago contingency)
Rachel -
Words cannot express the sadness and anger I feel that this disease is so cruel.
But you are beautiful - and I am so blessed that I met you last year.
Brett and I will be by with some goodies for you guys.
I am proud of you for making a tough decision and facing it with such dignity.
Love you -
Stephanie
Rachel, Jenn told me of your latest news. It sounds like you are surrounded by wonderful friends and family right now. It's good that those of us who want to be there with you aren't all present, because it would be really freaking crowded. All my thoughts and all my love, Jon
We're speechless over here.. My apologies for the distance. This is so sad...
We love you and miss you more than ever... it is now when really sucks we live so far away.
Love, Gaby
Rachel,
We want you to know how deeply we care for you. May you feel comfort in our compassion and concern. We wish that you are filled with the warmth and strength of our prayers and know that love is all around you.
We have been thinking of you and holding you close to hearts.
Our love,
Andy, Diane, Nicole and Jeff
Rachel-
we just wanted to let you know that we love you and that we are thinking of you. You are in our prayers.
Sandra & Tom Sullivan
Dear Rachael.
You do not know me, but Mary Troxell is a dear friend and my children swam with Jason and Grant. I have followed your blog with the greatest of interest since my husband preceeded your steps in his battle with cancer. Your desire for visitors brought back memories of how much my husband appreciated it when Jason stopped by when he was in town. Your strength and openness is amazing. Be assured that you and your family are in my prayers.
Love, Mary Deegan
We love you.
Barbara and Chuck
Dear Rachel,
Our heart and prayers go out to you and your family. We are all thinking of you in this time of need. You had been a fighter with this cancer and so brave. We will miss you and your blog. Please tell your mom that her friends from Central all thinking of you. We wish you peace and comfort.
Joanne from Central
Rachel,
I've been staring at the screen crying, wondering what to say -- absolutely sure none of it will be adequate.
I remember you bringing your homemade apple pie to Evan's birthday party at the camp (it was, in my book, a contender for the county fair type of pie). I remember how easily you played with the kids. I'm angry because you have so much love to give the world -- so much to say about life.
What happens when the story teller is not around to tell the story?
With your wit and your fingertips you have made me laugh and cry. It has been an incredible gift.
I will miss your voice. I will miss your journey. I will miss you.
I love you Rachel.
Tara
Dear Rachel:
I know you don't know me, but I have been reading your blog for awhile now. You're in my favorites. My mom has breast cancer and have found your readings so insightful. Still not sure how I found you but so enjoy your honesty with this journey you have been on. I live outside of Philly and will read and know where you are talking about. You are such an incredibly brave, strong person and the decision you have made is somewhat herioc. God Bless you and your family and friends.
Regards,
Laura
Hi Rachel,
I feel very fortunate to have seen you last October, when I was in town. It was quite an inspriation for me to see your optimism and entrepreneurial spirit during a time of living with such a horrible disease. I also appreciate the nice dinner!
It is an honor for me to know you and your family all these years. The world would be a much better place having more people like you: driven to meet high levels of achievement (whether in fitness, business or fighting a disease) and at the same time optimistic, friendly and caring.
No matter how long you have left, your legacy will live on with me as an inspring example of how a life should be lived, to the extent one can control it.
I will always remember you with fond memories. I wish you peace and comfort and all the very best for your family. You are all very special people in my heart.
Love,
Eitan
Dear Rachel-
I so clearly remember us walking into the woods, dressed to talk to god. It was a very difficult time in my life and one of the most creative.
How amazing that the next time I see you is sitting in a tea room in Medford New Jersey. I had come to that tea room, again, to talk to god. That is why Jim and I went there in the first place.
We love you Rachel!!
Evan
Dearest Rachel, You and your family are so beloved. I know you can feel how full all of our hearts are with thoughts and prayers for you and of you. So powerless to alter your life's course, we are all keeping you very very close.
All my love,
Jane
Dear Rachel - How I wish I was not so far away and that I could come visit you and bring my crazy boys to play hide-and seek under your bed! It was so great to be back in touch with you after so many years and hear about your wonderful marriage and all the exciting things you've been doing. And then so sad to find out that you got sick again. Though I do feel grateful to be able to add my good thoughts to those of all your fabulous friends and family. When Shmoo sent me the latest update, I just had to come and post to let you know that I think of you often and always will. I feel so lucky to be able to count you among my friends and our time together in high school will always be some of my most fond memories. Much love, Kate in California
Dear Rachel - How I wish I was not so far away and that I could come visit you and bring my crazy boys to play hide-and seek under your bed! It was so great to be back in touch with you after so many years and hear about your wonderful marriage and all the exciting things you've been doing. And then so sad to find out that you got sick again. Though I do feel grateful to be able to add my good thoughts to those of all your fabulous friends and family. When Shmoo sent me the latest update, I just had to come and post to let you know that I think of you often and always will. I feel so lucky to be able to count you among my friends and our time together in high school will always be some of my most fond memories. Much love, Kate in California
Rachel -- my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. May you be at peace.
Rachel,
Having grown up together and not seeing you for many years afterwords, it is amazing what a wonderful, artistic and strong person you have become. I wish you comfort and peace.
Love,
Alon
Rachel,
I just read your BLOG. Its heartbreaking.
We hope you will join us at the dinner table tonight in spirit. Kaitlin, Nikki, and I will be having a conversation with you. Su Lin is in China and will need a her own seating.
We love you
Cousin Obbie, Su Lin, Kaitlin and Nikki
Dear Rachel - I've been reading your blog off and on for the last year and have been so impressed by your strength and attitude. Have thought of you often and remembered the fun times of high school (parties at your house!). --- Georgia (who was new to LG HS my senior year, your junior year).
Rachel-
I am so sorry to hear this. Reading your words was bittersweet- heartbreaking for obvious reasons, but it brought back a flood of great memories, just like every post of yours I've read.
You were so brilliant, beautiful, sophisticated back when I knew you. All of those qualities have reached even greater heights for me now. I am truly proud to know you. Though it breaks my heart know you've entered hospice care, at least I know you'll be made comfortable.
I am personally not giving up hope, but no matter what happens it's apparent you've already carved out a legacy for yourself from what little I've seen in the past few months- the huge number of supporters you have on this blog, the eloquent documentation of your battle, helping other women with your uplifting business- You've done more in your time than most people could do in twice that. You are a radiant spirit Rachel.
Thank you for sharing this most personal battle- I will continue to read. Thanks for affecting my life the way you have, way back then and even now. I love you Rachel- I really really do- you will never go away!
Ben and Tracy Rush, and kids Makena, Kai and Leif (who are all aware of your situation and have sent their love your way)
Hi Rachel,
Kristin told me about this blog many months ago in the office one morning. I realize we didn't get to know each other too well, but I admire you so much. Honestly, Rachel, I look up to you. You are amazing. Thank you so much for letting me be such a small part of your life for even the short time it was. If that makes any sense at all. I had a feeling I wouldn't be able to word this as eloquently as I had hoped.
You have defined for me the meaning of strength and determination. I'm a changed girl and I owe it to you for sharing this life experience with me/us.
I have this tattoo of my mother's poem, relating her struggle with cancer to a terrifying storm. Not a day passes where I don't hope for you...and that is my version of praying. I hope against all hopes that your stormy weather will pass swiftly and end peacefully. Thank you again Rachel. Thank you for the courage to fight when life threatens me with its clouds. You are very loved, as all of these comments and visits can prove.
~Kate S.
Hi Rach, Its me Andrea (punk rock mommy). Honey I am so sorry to hear that chemo failed you. I am like everyone else in awe of your strength and decision making in this area. I think it has been a very quick transition and yet you seem to be very accepting of all that is happening. That is a wonderful place to be. I do think I understand where you are at given my prognosis. I would like to schedule a visit soon. Possibly this weekend or next Tuesday. I will bring a meal or something delicious. Please tell me what you like. I look forward to seeing you. Andrea
Rache,
If I was articulate as you maybe I would know what to say. But I'm not and I don't. Just that I am so sorry and so sad.
Send me an email with your number if you want me to call.
Jamie
Dear Rachel--For now this will have to be a virtual visit. I understand that visitors have been beating down the door. That's no surprise, given who you are. I have never known or known of anyone who faced grave illness so openly with courage and grace. Art and I feel so privileged to have you and your family in our lives, and that includes Jason and Nikita.
Anne W.
hi rachel, i thought to send this as a private email but the collective momentum of this blog and the community that surrounds it overcomes. it's with very tearful eyes that i catch up to your last month or so of postings. Thinking of your involvement and how you wielded your challenges into an even greater lust for life and meaningful time spent doing buoys the tears and the spirit lifted in thoughts of & for you. your voice (especially your written voice that came into its own in the past years) chimes loud.
in recent months, two to be exact, i had a baby girl. her name is eve adeline. she's new and fresh to this world. wide-eyed and open. i know it's an odd comparison to make at this time but when i think of you, the spirit you've stoked, you also seem fresh and new and have greeted life with eyes wide open.
i hope the private passages wherever your mind takes you in the days and weeks and time to come, glow with the realization of your great accomplishment and your gift for love and spirit.
dan
Rachel,
As the snow covers the beautiful mountains of Asheville, NC, today, I am thinking of you and praying for you.
You have taught me from afar how cancer can effect someone and what real strength is.
Your words about your illness need to be spread to so many more. I hope your family and Jason can publish your blog.
When I met you doing research at the Hagley Library, I thought you were a really cool person, but now I know you're much more than that. Anyone who is so cherished by good friends spreads love wherever she is.
Stay warm, stay toasty, stay full of love.
Dear Rachel,
I was so happy to connect with you last year, to hear your story of meeting Jason, and to see pictures of your beautiful wedding.
I'm incredibly sad to have to say farewell. I hope you'll get a smile when I tell you that the Pete Best Fan Club is pulling for you.
Love from Jerusalem,
Gayle
Dear Rachel,
You are an inspiration of HOPE to all. I have never met you but, I feel like I know you through converstions with Leigh and your amazing blog. Thank you for being so open and honest about the path your cancer has taken you through.You are a true fighter and I wish you love and peace.You and your family are in my prayers.
Cristina
Rachel,
I said a prayer for you at least once per week or more, each time I went to synagogue (Rachel bat Yehudit). I thought for a while it was working. Now, along with all of us, I do believe god is crying. I feel the tears. A precious person is leaving us, but only physically. You are in our hearts. Your deeds and spirit are with us.
marcia levinson (karen's mom)
Rach-
I apologize for being so out of touch but I have been thinking about you. I am sort of at a loss for words right now- but I will call you later
Love you
kolby
R,
Here's a sample of what I'll remember about you: You started the rockin' Tuesday night happy hours on Judson Street. You had the courage to start your own business (twice!) and inspired me to consider doing the same. You invited us into your world to see how to fight adversity and celebrate wins, whatever the size, along the way. Fun, smart, stylish, a risk-taker, strong, a teacher--that's you in my mind.
I'll think of you often: anytime Ed acts like a jackass (read: daily!); anytime there's a Judson Street fete; whenever I see a funky compression sleve on some cool woman walking down the street; and every month when its time to check my own breast health.
You've shared so much. I've learned so much. Thank you. Chris and I keep the hope and wish you comfort.
Love, Liz
Rachel-After speaking with my parents today, they were so glad that they came out there to see you. You really are such an inspiration to all of us for enduring so much these last couple of years and fighting the cancer with such dignity. It has been too long since I have last seen you but I want you to know you are in my heart. I wish you peace and comfort.
Love,
Maya
Dear Rachel,
We are in our hearts and our prayers.
Thank you for inspiring us in so many ways!
Love,
Lee and Jules Zulman and family
Rachel-
You have given your loving family, your dear friends, and so many perfect strangers such a gift with your words over the past few years. You are a blessing to us all. Thank you.
Rachel
I read your blog the first time, at a time when I was also going through treatment for cancer, albeit a much less problematic one. At the time, your positive attitude completely humbled me; cancer turned me into a whiny banshee. I remember seeing the photo of you when you went on vacation and got engaged--it just seemed like everything was going so well.
When my friend Gayle told me Friday that the cancer had returned and that you had checked into the hospice, I was stunned. I have spent the last hour and a half reading the description of this most recent battle from the beginning to the end. Again, I am humbled. Not to mention crying.
You do not know me, but, like so many of the commenters, please know that I will be taking you, your words, your attitude and your approach to life with me where ever I go.
I wish you peace.
Gila,
Tel Aviv, Israel
Dear Rachel,
I am thinking about you and remembering all our wonderful times together at camp. I remember your serenity, thoughtfulness, kindness, and consideration of others. I send you and your family lots of love, peaceful feelings, and comfort. I send you a big camp hug. Love, Shelley from Palo Alto, Trevor, & family in San Carlos, CA
I have been reading your blog for several months now.I am sorry your health has taken this turn.You have been a big inspiration to me.You have been so brave in your journey.I feel so stupid when I obsess over stupid things like overdrawing my checking account or not being able to buy some material thing.May God bless and be with you!
Dear Rachel and Family,
Since your most recent posting and the decision to accept hospice I think about you and your husband, Mother and Father everyday wondering how you are all surviving this unbearable process. I appreciate getting to know you through the blog over the last two years and even though I couldn't very often bring myself to put into words what it was like being a witness to you and your Mother's suffering. I am so touched by your struggle, courage and love of life. Your devotion to help others through the web sites are much admired and inspire the rest of us to do good deeds. As a therapist I have told other breast cancer survivors of your work. I'll continue to have you in my heart and mind as I sit with others and wish for as much comfort, support and strength as humanly possible in the time you have together.
Lucy
Rachel - Your time here is much too short. No doubt, your spirit will shine forever in the hearts of those you've inspired and encouraged. May you always be filled with love, light and peace in your journey.....
Cathy (a former Perot St. neighbor)
Rachel,
You are in my daily thoughts and prayers. I wish you peace and the knowledge that many, many women are inspired by you, myself included. God bless you,
Kim
Rachel,
The prayers and thoughts of all your Mom's friends on the Transcending Trauma project are with you at this point as they have been from the beginning. I think I may speak for the others; we have been so moved and inspired by your courage, your eloquence, your willingness to share. You have had an impact on all of us through your blog and through your Mom's sharing with us. Thank you for giving us an opportunity to know through your writings about the special wonderful woman you are.
Nancy
Dear Rachel,
I have been reading over the blog entries (both yours and the postings) and it is so clear that you have touched many, many people with your courage and strength. Your spirit has moved many people and continues to do so. I wish you peace and comfort and the knowing that you are surrounded by the love of family and friends, those who are physically near and those who think about you across the miles.
With love,
Danielle (from LGHS)
Dear Rachel, I have such admiration for the way you have handled the last few years- you are so brave, beautiful, smart, funny and strong. As the comments on your blog show, you are such an inspiration to so many people. Thank you for sharing so much with all of us. Your openness and eloquence have touched us and we keep you and Jason, your mom and dad and Josh in our hearts.
Love, Judi and Stanley
Who knew that Rachel's posting on January 11th would be her last? When she wrote "My dearest friends" she was showing the determination that was the hallmark of her battle with breast cancer. She fully intended to an yet another entry to her much-read blog.
Today, Jan. 22nd, Rachel died. She is no longer in pain nor is she suffering. Godspeed Rachel. We will miss you but we will never forget you.
Mina
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