This way of living my life is all new
I wrote most of this entry the other night when I was having a bit of a dip in the roller coaster. Tonight, I’m in St Louis, preparing for a big day tomorrow for LympheDIVAs. I still haven’t heard about the skin lesion. I will post as soon as I do. Also, I was interviewed by the local CBS station and it aired tonight. Warning: it will make you cry.
http://cbs3.com/video/?id=39467@kyw.dayport.com
Here is what I wrote the other night:
Every minute of the day, I am thinking about cancer. Every step I take, I think, I am a person with metastatic cancer. My Microsoft Word program doesn’t even recognize the word “metastatic”! How could it be that I have this? Do I still say that I am a breast cancer survivor? It seems not quite right. I’m in a different class now. I guess I am still a survivor; I just have to work harder for it.
I’m having a really hard time coming to terms with being this person with metastatic cancer, with being a “sick” person. I had this struggle during my initial diagnosis, but then it was a limited time that I would be a sick person, and that was easier to swallow. Now it may be that I could be sick for a long time. Not just sick from cancer, but sick from treatment also.
And then, even writing that, I am making assumptions. I’m assuming that I’ll constantly be in treatment. I’m assuming that I won’t be cancer-free.. I don’t know if that’s true. I need to learn how to not worry about things I don’t know. Easy to say.
The thing is, no one knows how long anything will last. I guess I just need to learn how to enjoy the moments that I do have while I have them. Maybe it’s sweeter for me. Maybe that’s a gift. Maybe the trick is making sure that I truly believe that. I’m working on it. This way of living my life is all new, and it takes some time to adjust. Bear with me; I’ll figure it out.
http://cbs3.com/video/?id=39467@kyw.dayport.com
Here is what I wrote the other night:
Every minute of the day, I am thinking about cancer. Every step I take, I think, I am a person with metastatic cancer. My Microsoft Word program doesn’t even recognize the word “metastatic”! How could it be that I have this? Do I still say that I am a breast cancer survivor? It seems not quite right. I’m in a different class now. I guess I am still a survivor; I just have to work harder for it.
I’m having a really hard time coming to terms with being this person with metastatic cancer, with being a “sick” person. I had this struggle during my initial diagnosis, but then it was a limited time that I would be a sick person, and that was easier to swallow. Now it may be that I could be sick for a long time. Not just sick from cancer, but sick from treatment also.
And then, even writing that, I am making assumptions. I’m assuming that I’ll constantly be in treatment. I’m assuming that I won’t be cancer-free.. I don’t know if that’s true. I need to learn how to not worry about things I don’t know. Easy to say.
The thing is, no one knows how long anything will last. I guess I just need to learn how to enjoy the moments that I do have while I have them. Maybe it’s sweeter for me. Maybe that’s a gift. Maybe the trick is making sure that I truly believe that. I’m working on it. This way of living my life is all new, and it takes some time to adjust. Bear with me; I’ll figure it out.
posted by Rachel Troxell at 9:53 PM
4 Comments:
good luck in st. louis rachael, hope you and leigh get to have some time together.
i've been following your blog and i must say i am very touched my your writings.
anne hurst
Rachel, I just watched your interview, you look gorgeous, if I didn't know all that you were going through I surely wouldn't have a clue by how fabulous you look! Best of luck today with the LympheDIVAS. Sending love and hope today and everyday.
Rachel,
Every time I read one of your posts, I want to reach out and hug you. Partly to protect you from harm. Partly because I am so blessed by your willingness to open your heart and share your feelings, both highs and lows, with such grace. We will keep praying.
John Willis
I follow your postings but often don't know what to say to you. You are amazing. You are brave and courageous and you are truly LIVING with cancer. I applaud you and your determined spirit. I have learned from you to find something to apreciate every day. You have more people pulling for you than you can imagine. I never met you, but I believe that the news program portrayed you as the intelligent, independent, sensitive, fighter that you are. Thank you for sharing.
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